something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero