Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka