Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.