somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Software Development ⛵️
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”