somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
shakira sharkira
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
