Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone