Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

it must be school picture day

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.