Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side