Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.