Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.