Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit