Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Brilliant!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Yes my dude
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Can’t, holding a grudge