Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.