Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The chart results are in…
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.