Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.