Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

problems i need

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

LOL

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Sign of the day..

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash