Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
