Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family