Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I can’t stop watching this.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Oops I deleted….
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Siri, fight Alexa.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.