Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
