Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Important

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.