Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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this is a sign that you need a union
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*pronounces patio like ratio
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house