sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.