Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.


My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”


Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite


*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*


Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.


A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”


*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*


I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?


Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.