Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I hope it’s French Onion!
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio