Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
This headline is a thing of beauty
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.