Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.