Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
no way 😭
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.