Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

That eye roll….

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’