Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Matthew was born for this.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?