Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.