Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
You Might Also Like
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.