Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days