Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

Roombas should bark

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!