Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.