Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

I beg your pardon?

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Oh thanks BBC.

i really liked this one

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”