Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this year felt like being awake during surgery

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

smartest karate player in the world

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”