Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.