Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.