mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt
me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.