@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

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@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@Culprit7

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

@Carmel_Coleman

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

@YuckyTom

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@FU_TangClan

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

@Kilgore_Studge

I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.