Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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mechanics be like
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?