Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.