Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?