Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good