Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
just left a huge legacy in there
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*