Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Y’all know who you are.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
my mind
You just read my mind
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats