Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.
Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed
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This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA
Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese
Day 3: 15 blocks
Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”