@CharlieDontSrf

Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed

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@KaysNH

This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@kieransofar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@krisv_723

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@therealeatwood

Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@leslid79

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE