I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
(Gaming support cat.)
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.