Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*sewing*
A thread
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
#gardening
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
we all know this pain all too well
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th