Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Seems a bit forward
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Finally a use for spoilers…
