Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry