Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.