Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
