Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
