Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene