Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife