Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
reviewed some movies recently
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.