Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what