I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*watches the world burn*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once