@fraservalleyjay

Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say “Hey! Sorry I’m late.”

You Might Also Like

@bees_wingz

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@okmatchhead

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@NaaN_Conformist

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@PaperFury

All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@Parker_Simpson

I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”