Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say “Hey! Sorry I’m late.”

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No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.


After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.


If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.


Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.


All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.


Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?


I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo


Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”