I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?