Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Seems legit.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.