Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past