Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My last name is Zilla.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’