Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Lassie, get help!

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…