Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.