Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
When your parents check you’re ok.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.