Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.