Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.