Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
hmmmmmm
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around