Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.