Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys