Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times